How do you manage stress? [Part 2]

ADHD, Family, and Stress

Introduction

“A lot of the time, I find that I am my biggest source of stress.”

This was the conclusion I came to after researching tirelessly in order to understand the experience of stress a bit more.

As a 19-year-old, I know there is a lot in store for me and it is easy to forget that our teenage years represent just a fraction of our life.

My immediate focus is on university getting more challenging and my work life just starting.

My future is dependent on what I do now, and to build those foundations, stress is necessary.

One typical aspiration I have is starting a family one day, an element that this post explores.

Although stress is not a competition, my parents words of “you’ll understand one day” alongside seeing the immense amounts of stress that they’ve had to endure has shown me that how you manage stress is more important than the stress itself.

The more energy you exert, the more power you give an external stressor and create a ‘stressful’ situation.

It may seem straightforward, but in reality it is a lot more complex.

I was intrigued to learn more about how this principle changes in different environments, which is what this series is all about, and in this post we delve into the bidirectional relationship between stress and ADHD.

We often hear the success stories of those who have ADHD and as a sensationalised concept it is framed as this superhuman ability giving a person some unique edge.

But there are always two sides to a story.

When neat conclusions are packaged and distributed, I’m always sceptical.

While ADHD may display some unique element to a person’s life, I’m very weary of making correlation become causation because it is almost never the case, especially when we talk about a narrative fed to the masses.

In this case, our understanding in neurodivergence is continually developing.

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I looked into the link between ADHD and stress where I formed a lean foundation as to how they interact.

They can form a self-perpetuating cycle where ADHD can contribute to stress and stress can exacerbate ADHD symptoms.

In addition to this, ADHD is a spectrum disorder; meaning that there are a range of experiences that an individual can have.

So I reached out to one of my favourite writers; a relatable working father who I knew would be the perfect person to reach out to in order to better understand this experience.

Mark is a humorous, unfiltered, yet informative writer and I sought his perspective on stress.

Q&A

How has your relationship changed with stress as you began your family?

I didn’t truly understand stress until I became a parent.

Before the kids arrived, I lived a relatively carefree life, travel, sports, adventure and general freedom. I didn't worry about things because I had nothing to worry about, so I didn't get stressed either. That all changed when my daughter arrived and I stopped doing so many of the things that in hindsight were probably keeping stress at bay. Suddenly, exhaustion became a constant, I've never slept well as it is, but my daughter seemed to know exactly when I'd nodded off, and chose then to wake up.

The overwhelming responsibility of keeping a tiny human alive creates its own unique levels of stress, suddenly it's not all about you, there is someone more important to consider, to worry about, what if that cough is serious, what if I'm not changing the nappy (diaper) correctly, the ‘what if’ syndrome can drive you crazy. It gives you information overload and you find yourself second-guessing everything.

Money became another major stressor. Childcare costs were brutal, and despite careful planning, we were financially stretched, something I’m still dealing with today.

As the kids grew, stress evolved. My daughter has been waiting for an Autism/ADHD diagnosis for over eight years, and without a diagnosis the lack of support has been a massive challenge for us, trying to deal with everything ourselves, educating ourselves to be better parents to our children. Managing her needs without professional guidance has been incredibly tough and it remains so. We have recently made the decision to home educate our daughter as she could just not go to school. This has brought up yet another set of challenges as I find myself with the role of a teacher on top of all of the other hats I wear.

So, how has my relationship with stress changed? Me and stress have become intimately familiar. Stress and I have a long, turbulent relationship, we fight, break up, but always end up back together. I’ve learned to manage expected stress, the stuff that you know is coming or that is always there in the back of your mind (like money worries), but it’s the unexpected kind that really throws me, the type that makes you question everything you do, like when my daughter ran away for the first time and I was powerless to do anything. Luckily I think that phase has run it's course but there is now always a small doubt in the back of my mind, when she is 5 minutes late getting home, stress comes to visit and doesn't let go until she nonchalantly walks through the door, only then can I let that go.

Workplace stress is another kettle of fish, I'll remain mysterious about what I do for a living but it can be quite stressful, there are stakes and consequences to what I do and it is inevitable sometimes that stress creeps in. I have got much better at dealing with workplace stress in recent months, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

What are some physiological and psychological impacts of unwanted stress that you've experienced?

Physically, stress has affected me in ways I can recognise, weight gain due to a drop in activity, stress-related skin breakouts on my face, I get a red rash when I am really under the cosh, and probably other things I haven’t fully tracked. I don’t consciously notice things like increased heart rate or digestive issues, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there in the background.

Psychologically, things get more complicated. A lot of the common stress-related symptoms like difficulty concentrating, overthinking, procrastination, and detachment, also overlap with ADHD. The two seem to blend into a cruel cocktail, and I genuinely don’t know where one ends and the other begins. I don’t have enough self-awareness to say with confidence what is caused by stress specifically.

What I do know is that I feel the most stressed out when things start piling up. One or two issues I can deal with, but there are times when everything comes together in such a way that you can't help but start to feel the pressure and when you're already feeling overwhelmed and the next thing get's stacked on top, that's when it starts affecting me and I know I need to take action. I suspect I’d have a much clearer picture of how stress affects me psychologically if I started tracking patterns going forward.

‘Impulse or Choice?’ drawn by @_peju_ on Instagram

Have you ever tried to 'escape' from stress and what techniques/reminders help you manage stress?

In the past, I don’t think stress affected me because I was naturally relieving it through exercise, distraction, and relaxation. When those habits fell away, stress started to pile up.

At the start of 2024, I got back into training, running, swimming, and hitting the gym. Running, in particular, worked well for me, but after an injury in April, I never fully picked it back up. I did a couple of races in September and October I had booked in (a half marathon and a 15-mile trail run) but haven’t run since. The gym often feels like a chore, but the sauna afterwards is a real escape, especially when I’m on my own and nobody is trying to talk to me. The heat, the forced boredom, and the lack of distractions allow my mind to settle in a way little else does.

The only other place I’ve found to escape was a hot spring in Iceland. Floating in the water, with my ears submerged so I could only hear bubbling, was the most relaxed I’ve ever felt. I doubt I’ll ever fully replicate that experience, but I’ll probably spend my life trying.

As for other techniques, breathing exercises make sense scientifically, but they haven’t been particularly helpful for me in the moment, like at work. What does help there is stepping away for a walk, or if that’s not possible, noise-cancelling headphones and calming sounds like water.

Ultimately, the best way I manage stress is by dealing with the source of it. I might use relaxation techniques to get in the right headspace, but my goal is always to resolve the issue, not escape it. Once the problem is handled, I can actually feel the stress melt away.

How does ADHD and stress interact in your work life?

Ok this is a good question. I'm working on a long term project on Adult ADHD and so I already have a lot written on this question.

ADHD and stress amplify each other. When things are going well, I can get into a good rhythm, stay on top of tasks, and thrive under a bit of pressure. But when stress levels go up, everything ADHD makes difficult on a normal day becomes even harder to manage.

The biggest problem is prioritisation. If I’m stressed, it’s usually because there are multiple things competing for my attention, and instead of logically working through them, my brain struggles to decide what needs to be done first. That leads to either freezing up completely, or jumping between tasks without making meaningful progress on any of them. It’s like trying to put out ten small fires at once but only having one bucket of water. I've been experimenting with leaning into just jumping around from task to task, doing what feels right in the moment instead of forcing myself to finish one task before taking on the next, I've found that works quite well.

Then there’s time management, or rather, my brain’s complete inability to judge time properly when stress is involved. If I have a big deadline looming, I either massively underestimate how long it will take and end up rushing at the last minute, or I over-focus on minor details, spending way too long making things perfect instead of just getting them done. The worst is when I do both, ignore something until the last minute, then stress myself out by trying to make it perfect in no time at all. But in the back of my mind I know a hard deadline needs to be met, so I'll do what needs to be done to meet it.

Another way stress affects me at work is sensory overload. My office is noisy, phones ringing, people talking, background music, emails popping up constantly. Most of the time, I can filter some of it out, but if I’m already stressed, every single noise feels like an interruption, and it becomes almost impossible to focus. That’s when I rely on noise-cancelling headphones or finding a quiet space, but that’s not always an option.

Emotionally, stress makes me more sensitive to criticism. Normally, I can take feedback on board and move on, but if I’m already overwhelmed, even a small comment can stick with me for hours. I’ll replay it in my head, overanalyse what was meant by it, and start questioning whether I should have done something differently, even when logically, I know it’s not that big of a deal.

Probably the most frustrating part is how stress affects my ability to switch between tasks. If I have a big meeting or an important deadline later in the day, it’s like my brain parks itself there in advance. I find it really hard to focus on anything else until it’s out of the way, which means half my day is spent in this weird waiting mode where I’m not productive but also can’t fully relax. That's very much the same out of work, if I have an appointment on the afternoon, the morning is spent in waiting mode. There's probably a psychological name for that, but I call it "precrastination".

I’ve had to put a lot of systems in place to manage stress at work because I know it’s never going to go away completely. I rely on external tools, calendars, alarms, reminders, because I can’t trust my brain to just remember things. I also use timers to keep myself from over-focusing on one task for too long, and I’ve had to get better at recognising when I’m about to spiral into stress mode so I can take a step back before it becomes overwhelming.

I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is that stress doesn’t just affect me mentally, it completely changes how I work. If I don’t manage it, it leads to burnout and frustration, but when I can stay ahead of it, I actually function pretty well under pressure. It’s just about making sure the stress doesn’t take over before I get to that point.

What role does self-awareness play in this and what did you wish you knew earlier?

Self-awareness plays a huge role in managing stress, I know this but the problem is, I’ve never been particularly good at recognising stress in the moment. I can look back afterwards and see exactly what I should have done differently, but by then, the moment has passed, and I’ve already reacted (or failed to react) in a way that maybe wasn’t ideal.

I wish I had been better at spotting stress before it built up, recognising the signs early instead of only realising when I was already knee deep in it. If I had been more aware, I might have made different choices, like maintaining my exercise habits instead of letting them slip, or noticing when I was mentally overloaded and stepping back and saying no to things before burnout hit.

Even now, I struggle to pause and assess what’s happening in real time. I tend to push through stress rather than acknowledging it. If I could develop better awareness, I’d be able to respond more deliberately instead of just reacting instinctively. That’s something I’d like to work on, learning to spot the warning signs before they become full-blown stress rather than always playing catch-up afterwards.

Something else I am working on now is in regards to the transfer of knowledge and learning lessons by proxy. You can read cautionary tales from other people and study case studies but you only really learn the lessons when you make the mistakes yourself. I'm not sure there is a better teacher than failure so I think. What did I wish I knew earlier? I wish I had failed earlier so I could have learned those lessons earlier.

‘Here we go again…’ drawn by @_peju_ on Instagram

Reflections

“I didn’t truly understand stress until I became a parent.”

All for wanting to be a parent…

I had a north star for all the stress and efforts I’m putting in now until Mark said this.

To be honest. I am not surprised. I have sped up the aging process of my parents - I get it.

One facet of parenting I want to highlight is the worry you have for your child.

Sometimes it is watching them grow, releasing them into the wild and other times there is a sense of helplessness.

The system’s lack of support, waiting for over 8 years for an autism/ADHD diagnosis, on top of the baseline stress that trying to make ends meet has.

Alongside this, the bidirectional catalysts of stress and ADHD provide the additional responsibility of managing stress with the eyes of family and work colleagues constantly on you.

This constant need for balance makes managing stress all the more challenging, to which I can only respect Mark.

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There are points that resonate with me from Mark’s answer to ‘How does ADHD and stress interact in your work life?’

When faced with numerous tasks at work that are stationed and ready to take my attention, “leaning” into a task is an approach I also take.

I used to feel the need to start one thing and finish it before moving onto the next, something that Mark adeptly captures.

Theoretically, that’s how things should be done; dedicating our focus on one task until it’s finished.

In the real world, this approach will leave you overwhelmed and in fact it would make the tasks more difficult than they need to be, leaving you asking the question of why there is never enough time.

I have personally assumed and continue to assume that once a task is ‘finished’, I wouldn’t have to look at it again due to me trying to perform at the best of my ability at the time of doing it.

Quickly, I realise that sometimes this can be a flawed position to adopt and then I find myself boundlessly improving upon what I thought was done before, to the point where it feels like it is eating up the time for another task.

It’s a downwards spiral that comes and goes every now and then.

I would argue it’s controlled chaos but take it as you will.

But my interpretation of “leaning” into a task is it being the equivalent to just starting instead of seeking a perfect approach.

With action comes clarity.

A common thread I took from this question was the mind’s inability to stay present.

Whether its ruminating on what could have been done better or searching for the optimal path to take, ADHD amplifies the common experience.

A perfect example of that is Mark’s term “precrastination”.

I find that when anticipating an event to happen, I’m able to dedicate myself to a plan of action and allow time to lower the intensity in order to smoothly transition to whatever is next.

I’m curious to hear your way of managing anticipation.

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I think self-awareness is key in managing stress - as with anything we wish to improve ourselves in.

Intentionality in reflection can uncover the counterproductive habits we have that were once making life more challenging due to us fighting our natural tendencies.

I’m a strong believer in failing fast as without the context of our lives, we cannot fully appreciate the lessons passed on by those who have had similar experiences.

From Mark’s reflections, I have learnt more about the importance of foundations.

The first image inspired by Mark’s description of stress & ADHD’s relationship shows pandemonium representing our day-to-day distractions being the centre of attention and the comparatively lacklustre options of the gym and work.

In the visualisation there are 3 paths and only one of us. We can split ourselves into 3 or clone ourselves, so how would you tackle this crossroad?

Would you pick:

• Work;

• Entertainment; or

• The gym

What if I told you anyone could attend to all of them and a lot of people already do?

All Mark and I have done is show how our mind anchors us to choose one option over the other, i.e. engage in all-or-nothing thinking.

If you change your framing, there are multiple ways this can be achieved.

You could start of going to work or the gym and simply walk across from left to right or right to left.

On the other side of this crossroad is a straight path.

They all reside on the same road, where the only concern is that starting with entertainment and distraction would be inefficient as you’ll start from the middle, walk either way and go back on yourself to reach the other side.

This goes back to a point I made in one of my most popular posts about being ‘intentionally distracted’.

By sticking to our values and building our foundations today, we can make decisions easier and avoid all-or-nothing thinking.

Compromises have to be made, but not all have to be stressful.

P.S.

Share your thoughts on the link between ADHD, Family, & Stress.